An alternative message from Robert Abela

At the end of the year, Italian Prime Minister Giorgia Meloni spent two hours replying to questions from journalists. She replied to questions on the Russian invasion of Ukraine, the economy, supply chains, Covid, energy, inflation, and practically most of the important themes today.

In Malta, Prime Minister Robert Abela made a theatrical speech of five minutes in an overly-produced feel-good video repeating his usual sound-bites and catchphrases. At this stage, Malta’s premiership has developed into one of the most comical political acts in Europe with a Prime Minister playing infantile theatre as everyone tries to figure out how the country should be run and move forward. Robert has no idea what his doing and he’s dumb as they come: instead of governing and leading he plays a game in which he tries to sell the assurance that he is doing the right thing, whatever that is. His war against the press triggered by his insecurities is also a way for him to stay inside his protective bubble of endless praise while fleeing from harsh realities. In this theater, Malta lacks leadership.

Here’s what Robert Abela would have told you if he had said the truth.

Dear Maltese compatriots.

Good evening and happy new year.

I understand that most of you have many questions and issues to raise. I’m not going to answer any of them. First of all, I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing and I wouldn’t be able to answer most of your questions. Sure, I can tell you something like “we are doing our best”, and that Labour has always brought the interest of the citizen first, but damn right I’m not going to risk coming out as stupid if someone asks me anything about the economy, finances, energy, inflation, the state of the world…. for God’s sake, I’m already hearing the voice of my father shrilling in my head. He’s always banging about using the Pope in the PR, but Aleander tells me we can’t keep milking it forever and Randolph’s gay and doesn’t like the Vatican.

Look, I’m only here because I always wanted to be Prime Minister and got lucky because Joseph Muscat needed to stay out of prison. So, my job is to make sure none of the Labour Party criminals go to prison, and so far, I’m doing a pretty good job on that, OK? Look, I thought this was going to be an easy ride, OK? It didn’t turn out that way. As soon as I entered office I had Covid, I mean not me, I didn’t have Covid, for God’s sake. I used to be a bodybuilder and I still spend two hours a day training and weekends and holidays on the boat. I’m healthy as Hulk Hogan, ok? I hope he didn’t die of heart problems. Men have a lot of them and especially bodybuilders, you know, anyway…

What I was saying was that we had a Covid pandemic and we had to shut down the economy. Fucking hell how Chris busted my balls about that. Can’t get rid of the guy, you know? No one wants to take his place. I wonder why. Anyway, I gave everyone vouchers and we financed salaries so everyone was ok. Ok? What else do you want? You still have your jobs, God damn it thanks to my generosity you still earn your pay-cheques, so go fuck yourselves with your questions. If it wasn’t for me, all the journalists would have lost their jobs. Except maybe for Mark Camilleri cos he already lost his job. He can’t lose it again, right? How the fuck is he still alive and how does he make his money? Is he paid by the Americans? Fucking hell, I can’t figure out that son of a bitch.

Anyway. What I was saying is that we had a big crisis. And we saved your jobs. We saved everyone’s job. Then the Russians invaded Ukraine and we had another crisis. Inflation, gas, food, grain prices, you name it. The fucking sky fell on my head. So, what did we do? We subsided everything. We subsidised energy bills and food imports. Everyone was ok again. Clearly, we are doing a very good job. Imagine if we hadn’t issued the wages and the subsidies – the economy would have crashed!

So, what else would you expect us to do? That’s it. End of story. Clyde tells me we need to ramp up tax collection to pay for the huge debts we are incurring. Do it, I said, I don’t care where the money comes from. It’s not my problem. My problem is to ensure that the economy does not collapse so I’m going to finance it, whatever it takes. Draghi style, Clyde told me once, although I don’t know what he meant by that. Clyde tells me that as soon as the economy starts again we are going to stop spending so much and our debt will start decreasing again. I’m all pumped up for a smashing 2023 where we start getting all the English tourists for the cheap beach parties to move the economic wheel again. We’re going to start the economy again. Even Edward is saying we are going to have a great year. So, what’s to worry about? We’re going to bring down the debt, eventually, I’m telling you. And we’re going to have huge economic growth.

Joseph Portelli told me as well. He’s going to do another big project after Mercury Towers. And now everyone wants his own tower. You know how these contractors are: once one of them has a tower everyone wants one. And Joseph Portelli is going to have two towers, so that makes it at least two other towers for every contractor. We are going to build so much that Malta is going to become a permanent construction site. And how else are we going to pump the economy? It’s English tourists on Ryan Air and building towers. That’s how we are going to do it. We don’t have anything else. We have the factories, thank God, but they can’t get any bigger. I’m going to build a car race track in Ħal Far instead. The petrolheads will love me for that and I will inaugurate the race track myself with my name on a plaque. It’s going to be historic and one of my biggest legacies. After I end my political term I will be going to the race track on weekends to watch the petrolheads and everyone will love me there. It’s like I’m their hero, you know. I gave them what they wanted. Anyway, Joseph Portelli is financing the Labour Party and he’s going to get another tower and the Maltese will get a lot of jobs. I mean the lawyers and the architects, not the black Africans building the tower itself. Maybe the truck drivers – those are still Maltese. I think. Everyone wins.

That’s how it goes. I’m doing great. The wheel is turning. We are going to have a smashing economy. I don’t care what they say about a possible recession in Europe. I don’t believe it. English tourists will still come to Malta because it’s very warm here and they like it. We just need to hope. Clayton Bartolo even said that if you’re English it’s cheaper to come to Malta than to pay your electricity bill. On gas and energy? that’s fixed as well. Miriam Dalli has a consultant from BOV and she tells me he is very bright. They bought a lot of gas for many years when gas was very expensive. I don’t know what they did but fuck it. From what I can understand, everything is fine and we still have electricity. We kept working with Electrogas and everything works. Don’t ask me about Daphne. I don’t want to speak about her, not even to myself. It’s better if I repress her memory. Let’s forget her and move forward. What happened, happened. It’s useless to seek revenge and punishment. Send Joseph to jail? Ma tarax?! Never. He was my friend and my boss. I would never do that. I’m going to protect all of them and anyone who is against this in the Party should go. We’re not going to conduct any with-hunts. The Party must remain united, under my direction and my conditions. These are the conditions. I’m not going to look into Electrogas. It’s not my problem. Miriam Dalli is doing a good job. Whatever.

Look, I know many of you are concerned by the corruption surrounding Electrogas, but it’s a closed chapter, now. Sorry. We’re moving forward. Joseph is going to stay fiddling with football while I run the country and everyone has jobs. That’s the deal. No more, no less. That’s what the Maltese people want: peace of mind. The Maltese don’t want controversies and that’s why I will be trying to shut down all of the press and make them work for me. I couldn’t do that during Covid, ostia, but the time will come. The good ones will eventually leave, like Ivan Martin. He just left, thank God. Next, I will try to buy out Herman Grech and then Matthew Vella from Saviour. Ostja, I can’t understand why we give so much money to Saviour and he still lets that tal-pepe bastard from Sliema run his press. Can’t he find someone else and we send Matthew to Brussels? Even Kurt Sansone would do, at least he’s a Laburist.

Look, everything will be ok, I promise. That’s why I am here. The press can go fuck themselves, for all I care. And for the record fuck Roberta Metsola and Caroline from Shift News too. We’re trying to get some money from these Arabs in Qatar and their anti-corruption bullshit is fucking up our plans.

Why can’t I just do something in peace without anyone bloody bothering me? What’s wrong with everybody? Get a life, guys.


Happy new year.

U viva l-Labour!

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